vocab

didactic - intended to teach or instruct
perspicacious - acutely perceptive, keen discernment
coda - something that serves to round out, conclude, or summarize
libertine - a freethinker especially in religious matters
endemic - characteristic of or often found in a particular locality, region, or people
luminous - characterized by brightness and the emission of light
exile - the state or a period of forced absence from one's country or home
pariah - outcast
importune - solicit persistently or troublesomely
elegy - a mournful poem, especially lamenting the dead
intrepid - steadfast and courageous
distrait - apprehensively divided or withdrawn in attention
dearth - smallness in quality or number; scarcity; a lack
audacious - daring and fearless; recklessly bold
aberrant - deviant from the norm
fallow - dormant, inactive
demure - to question or oppose
divulge - to disclose something secret
contentious - argumentative
adroit - having or showing skill, cleverness, or resourcefulness in handling situations
accolade - an expression of praise
castigation - severe criticism or punishment
craven - cowardly
chimera - an illusion or fabrication of the mind; especially : an unrealizable dream
omen - an occurrence or phenomenon believed to portend a future event
blithe - of a happy lighthearted character or disposition
malleable - having a capacity for adaptive change
supine - exhibiting indolent or apathetic inertia or passivity; especially : mentally or morally slack
augury - omen
voracious - having a huge appetite
intractable - not easily managed or directed; stubborn, obstinate
axiomatic - a universally recognized principle, taken as a given, posessing self evident truth
itinerant- traveling from place to place
errant - moving about aimlessly or irregularly
indolent - averse to activity, effort, or movement : habitually lazy
plastic - capable of adapting to varying conditions
rapacious - excessively grasping or covetous
obdurate - stubbornly persistent in wrongdoing
insouciant - lighthearted unconcern

BBVD

tuesday - to rain or not to rain
+ discussion group on existentialism
+ boring research ethics class
(deontology & the catagorical imperative)
+ i left early but didnt end up going to the jazz fest, b/c of the thunder and lightening.
+ went to pathmark with lewis
+ watched basket ball game with kev and jade (got no reading done that night)
+ i got to know jared, very fun to be around :)

wednesday - taco day
+ ran errands throughout the day
+ brought in 3 quarts of rice
+ cooked the beef taco meet
+ saved a cup of drained fat (yummm)
+ got yelled at for eating the cheese and sprinkling salt on the ground
+ just enough food for everyone
+ later that night, discussed current events..REAGAN!!!
+ wow, the hot seat
+ i drove around looking for lewis, b/c of communication mishap
+ i drove down to watch the vibe masters and ahmad jamal.
+ jazz cats are soooo cool, although the general audience would not have appreciated ahmad's piano virtuosity in comparason to the stage presence of big bad voodoo daddy
+ i told ahmad that it was so strange reading about him in my history book and then seeing him in person
+ i got to put away the water, and explored the dupont theatre a bit on the way back

thursday - BBVD
+ no meeting with maria
+ i interviewed my professor for the 'plan b' excersize
+ i lost his business card (i should probably ask him for another)
+ i plan on 2 more 'plan b's (tweedy & betz)
+ applying to graduate school is a tedius process
+ i met with lewis at the BBQ (along with jared)
+ checked out BBVD with lew
+ met up with some other UD researchers/jazz catz
+ it got postponed after the first 3 songs
+ my lil brother (ming jay) and lewis stayed around)
+ we got to meet the drummer (for like an hour), who reminded me of my prof (about the same age too)
+ we talked about how they started out, and his musical training (as a punk drummer)
+ he highly recommended the new orleans jazz fest
+ he mentioned how great it was to tour 200 days a year with a group of his best friends
+ the rain stopped, the band was out talking to the fans
+ we talked to the bassist (also a nice guy)
+ the show started, we stood at the very front
+ each song seemed pretty similar, a rock/swing feel with leading vocals
+ seemed to attract an audience of all ages
+ lew and ming jay liked it
+ i instigated conversation between mj and the pianist
+ i got to speak with the saxophone player
+ two girls were waiting for his autograph, lew later commented that they wanted to sleep with him
+ we took some stuff back from the tent to the prod office
+ went to get grottos and then see the prof
+ during the postponement i talked about (more than i should have the interview with my prof)
+ lewis commented that prof b had peter pan syndrom
+ ming jay still feels bad for switching projects
+ my left eye turned red (ouch)
+ i was too informal with my prof
+ i took lew home
+ i sat in the car with ming jay and talked
+ john came back drunk
+ ming jay told me to go and get rest b/c i was falling asleep in the car

Tha Buddha speaks

/*****************************/
Buddha, I don't know who you are, but I respect your fervor in your argument, however, I think it has holes.

When you try to clarify the "vague notion of individuality" you say people have the right to chose and chose to be the same. I think you fail to realize that is a choice to remain the same. Maybe things are not as bad as you seem to emphasize if people are willing to change. History has shown, through political rebellion, that people are willing to chose change when they feel necessary. If you are unhappy with the lack of individuality, what are you doing to change that? I am sure you find yourself fitting into the crowd and not fully expressing your individuality.

Then you go on with "'imaginary principle of freedom' - We are trapped in the rules of some game that society has bound us to, yet we pretend to be in control of our own destiny." According to your argument, society controls the rules of the game, and we are the people who make up society so, again what are you doing to change the rules. People can vote, run for office, read and gather information. This applies to all levels, so unless you are the president of some politically based organization, on campus, locally, state-wide, or nationally? We chose those people who make the rules.

The idea of following the crowd is in our nature. People do not want to be isolated from the majority because humans are naturally social. As I mentioned, everyone conforms to the norms somewhat, I know I do, especially if I agree with the norm.

/*****************************/

I understand what you are saying, but complacency is just an excuse to stay the same. I believe we've lost our handle on freedom, because we have been free for so long.

I could give a lot of examples, but I'll just deliver two.

+ We have this amazingly instant communication arena and information database, and the most popular subject searched for over the internet is porn. That should say a lot about the quality of modern man/woman.

+ Look at the number of eating disorders just on our campus. Men and women binge and purge or starve themselves out of their desire to 'be social.' Is it their right as Americans to choose this lifestyle? Or, are they caught in the rules of society? Free or trapped?

You're right, we are in control of the rules; however, it seems as if the rules control us just as much-- we (including me) are caught in this infinite loop that is perpetuated by our complacency, but at least I can admit it to myself and try to absolve it.

the CBJF

i went to church on sunday, then i went to the sacred concert and watched a spectacular performance (with featured my big band director, tom palmer, combo director, vernon james, and sax instructor, todd groves.) i went with my friend parag after church.

i got soooo pumped, and the performance was really intense (full of energy.) the duke ellington sacred concert had a great emphasis on freedom, equality, and spirituality. At times humorous, it included singing and tap dancing, along with a full big band, intermixing an opera feel in the vocals.

monday i met with maria, and then ate with lewis, as we discussed bling bling. later that day i took my GREs (i got a 480 in verbal and an 800 in math.) lewis and i met up to go to the CBJF

i have no idea what i was doing or what would happen, but to make a long story short, we got to see a navy big band, and i explained the basics of jazz to lewis. we move boxes of water to the musician tent. and when it poured we got to stay in the tent and talked with the musicians.

i met a jazz photographer, Kenny Bond, he said that hes seen me there for the past couple of years always sittin in the front of the stage. (he's been photographing the CBJF for 10 years.) he told me to give him a call if i ever get anything going in Newark (even if it's really small.

I gave a message to Winston Byrd from Vernon James. From Byrds mouth, "Vernon is a fucking great musician." it was really cool watching the musicians interact with one another (T.S. monk looks a lot like his dad.) A saxophone player, patience higgins, gave us his card and told us to give him a call sometime, he'd get us tickets for a performance. kenny bond, the photographer, said that jazz musicians are definately the most cool of all the people he photographs.

tuesday we had a pretty sucky discussion in my group, but i'll talk about tuesday later.

tonight im going to see ahmad jamal. later.

something quite contrary

"Scholars recognize certain elements of history, such as its ability to prepare us for the future by providing us with lessons from the past, and its tendency to repeat itself. Perpetuating historical arguments allows us, as well as future generations, to avoid repeating historical shortcomings, providing us with the tools necessary to aggressively and successfully assault future dilemmas."

A bit verbose, but let me see if I understand. In other words, history repeats itself; therefore, we must understand the mistakes of the past in order to prevent them in the future. This is a lesson that goes without saying.

In my initial post, I distinctly differentiate between investigating truth and arguing over inane politics. I would conclude that "perpetuating historical arguments" would correlate more with the former. There is a fine line that separates learning from your mistakes and dwelling on them. My claim is that too many people read an article (or two), some book, or sees something on the news which *enlightens* them, and all of a sudden they are an expert even though all they see is one side of an issue, "fighting for causes that they have no bearing over." (I apologize for being redundant.)

I apologize for the careless grammatical mistakes of the former post. In addition, I failed to read your opening carefully and missed the sarcastic slam.

So in rebuttal to that statement, it is ignorance that forces understanding upon an issue without knowledge. And although ignorance is bliss, change cannot occur amongst fools.

I do not understand the democratic process; my knowledge does not suffice. Enlighten me, please.

/****************************************/

"Let us recognize how fortunate we are that advocates of civil rights, among others, lack your understanding of democratic processes."

Yes, my generation (including me) lacks an understanding of the democratic process. I've never had a reason to traverse the government hierarchy, and therefore, my fight has yet to go beyond the micro-level, collegiate politics which envelopes me. This doesn't mean that I'm not fighting.

I think your romanticized idea of America has made you a bit defensive, but allow me to clarify.

"vague notion of individuality" - We have the freedom to choose, and yet we choose to be the exact same.

"imaginary principle of freedom" - We are trapped in the rules of some game that society has bound us to, yet we pretend to be in control of our own destiny.

"fighting for causes that they have no bearing over" - the assertions of the former imply that we are not followers of our dreams, but followers of the crowd, fighting for causes that we have no bearing over.

I am not taking for granted what America represents, but unfortunately, the *people* of America represent something quite contrary.

peacemakers

verse of the day:

Blessed are the preacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. matt 5:9

reading of the day: 1 sam 25:14-35

its interesting to see the role that Godly women play in scripture, and also encouraging to know that even the most blessed of God's annointed ones are still sinners and fall short of the glory.

jackie's groove thing

i went to the jazz fest solo. parking a few blocks away from the theater-N. i got hit on twice on the way down there (it really creeped me out.) i eventually move my car right infront of the building

i showerd before the event and dressed nicely (with tall shoes and all.) i walked upstairs and asked for tina bets-- the director for cultural affairs. here was her description:

"I'm a fairly tall, and I hate to admit, middle-aged Black woman
sporting natural hair. See you there."
TinaB

i talked to her and met another lady. tina gave me the idea that id be working with the performers, the other lady needed me with merchandise. (i guess i'll be selling t-shirts.) oh well, i'll make the best of things and learn what i can.

the performance was amazing (there was footage of some thelonius monk documentary in the background...later, a poet gave a performance on monk.) i never really appreciated the power of poetry until last night. W. oree of the oree trio said that "Jazz is like the ocean, its got many many fish." he also said that "it takes great courage to present jazz in america."

prior to the poets, he wanted to prove a point-- that everyone has music within them. he requested that the least musically inclined person take the stage and play the cow bell. one rhythmn again and again-- Jackie's groove thing, he called it. i must say, it was pretty hip.

the first poet performed with jackie's groove thing in the background. she spoke about jazz and how it fills every part of her body, then she talked about how its the kind of feeling that makes you want to be a better person, and about inner strength. the poets demonstrated humor and intensity and spirituality, and even the gospel. the second one said that jazz is synonomous with cool and proceeeded to ellaborate in his poem.

a song played by the band was immitating a ship a sea. with a heavy lean towards avante-gaurde jazz, they simulated ship experiencing turbulence. the last lady gave one reading on jeremiah and ended her final poem with "my blues be black."

inthecompanyoipoets.com

i came back and went to sleep, b/c i hadnt slept the night before and i spent the whole day landscaping. now it was 4:00am and im still up. i'll talk about the sacred concert tomorrow (i mean, today when i wake up)

this group will be performing in philly (i want the scholar program to go see it.)

:)

habitat

i made everyone pancakes and as i was making them, i thought, "why am i making everyone pancakes?" passion drives me to act impulsively on my instincts. i would be ok if they didn't want them-- i'm not the type of person that people get use to in a week.

optimally, i'd love to do roofing. evidently, we did landscaping. i made no big deal about it (i do love service projects.) odyssey and endeavor were teamed up. i feel as if i connected more with the other group than my own. here's a run down.

steve and eugene: they were nice fellows. we put on our name tags (which was a good thing b/c i didnt know everyones name.) and started the day with a prayer.

craig: seems like a very insightful and considerate guy. we connected through our bi-cultural upbringing. he enlightened me a lot on how people interact in mcnair.

kenny: i was excited that he was going to be in our group, then i found out that he wasnt. i guess we connect on the more worldly/philosophical level. i find that people from africa are always so fascinating. he was such a hard worker and never complained about anything.

chinedu: we connected. it's another one of those, "i cant explain" connections. i had that initial feeling right when i first interacted with him. anyhow, i decided to lighten the day and i wrote, "my butt smells" on the "nametags" and proceded to tape it chinedu's butt. success! hehehe. later that day i made a joke about how the dirt smelled like chinedu's butt. he pointed out that i didnt need to specify that i was joking, it takes away from the humor. duly noted-- i'm going to work on that. at the end of the day, i soaked him with the hose, he called me a jokester. while we were waiting for the bus, he threw his empty capri sun at me. i looked up at him and said, we are going to be best friends. he nodded.

it was a good day, a lot of great conversations.

this is the life

i need an adventure like this:

//================================================================

FROM DANIEL

Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 17:22:12 -0400
From: danlins
Subject: Va bike trip update

Bonjour!
Today is the fourth day of our bike trip across the country. We are in
Sandston,
Virginia, a little east of Richmond. I rode ten miles to the nearest public
library, just to send off this email, while Chris is back at a hostel
(methodist church letting us use their kitchen and lawn for camping) making
bread like a good housewife. I've got to get out of here before it starts
raining, though. We are well and taking a break today. We rode 40 miles today
and found this awesome place to hang for a while to dry out our gear and just
relax after a 65, 100, and 85 mile day the last three days. Our goal is 60
miles a day, and the days with much more are from sunup to sundown, almost. Our
average mph is around 13, but we try to keep a 15 mph pace (it doesn't happen
towards the end of th day). We hope to be in KY in about a week. Some
highlights:

We left from Rehoboth Beach on June 4th, around 7:30 am and rode to Snow Hill
Maryland to sleep in a state park. $25 fee that we weren't willing to pay. So
we prayed a lot and then asked the Park Ranger, who let us stay there for free!
God has kept us safe from cars and everything else so far. Thanks for your
prayers! We need them! Also, let us know your prayer requests so we can keep in
touch and (mainly) because we have so much time to pray while we are cycling.

The second night, we crossed the cheasepeake bay bridge tunnel in a truck,
cause
they don't allow bikes in the tunnels. Stayed in First Landing state park with
money from a local pastor who didn't want us sleeping on his church lawn. Third
day we crossed into Jamestown on a Ferry and stayed on the lawn of the
Wiliamsburg Unitarian Universalists (club)? Now, we're here.

Met some TransAm cyclists who told us about the hostel. Went to church on Sun
and got some food for breakfast. We haven't been eating enough, we realized.
Yesterday, we ate only ~ 2500 calories, while we probably burned 4000-6000.
There are sites online that tell calories burned per activiy and interesting
things like that. We get sore, but our bodies are beginning to acclimate to the
stresses we put on them. The second day (though it is revealing Chris's current
physical unfitness, I have to tell you about this, cause it is hilarious),
Chris said to me, "Daniel, if we have to make it to the Bay Bridge Tunnel, I
will die." when we were 55 miles away from it. That night, while sitting around
the campfire eating hot dogs and instant oatmeal packets, he said, "this is the
life!" Crazy kid.

Live it up!
Daniel (& Chris, in spirit)

//================================================================

FROM CHRIS:

Serac: sheryl!
FF PaLaDiN UD: yo!
FF PaLaDiN UD: how are you feelin?
Serac: tired
FF PaLaDiN UD: where are u sleeping tonight?
Serac: i messed my knee up, we are in UVA now...
FF PaLaDiN UD: how bad is it?
Serac: Daniel got a hold of some IV people here, someones apartment
Serac: potluck dinner to!
FF PaLaDiN UD: sweeeeeet
Serac: i know
FF PaLaDiN UD: ull be well enough to ride tomorrow?
Serac: um, yeah, we are taking a break tommorow
FF PaLaDiN UD: did u read the last email daniel sent?
Serac: we were at this nice hostel at a church 2 days ago and the spirit told daniel we should stay...but we left...
Serac: ya
FF PaLaDiN UD: haha
Serac: about me being a woman
Serac: that was 2 days ago...we should have stayed there
FF PaLaDiN UD: get me a souvineer
FF PaLaDiN UD: it can be anything
FF PaLaDiN UD: a piece of paper
FF PaLaDiN UD: a stick
Serac: haha
Serac: from where?
Serac: anywhere?
FF PaLaDiN UD: well the condition is that it has to have a story along with it
Serac: haha, ok
FF PaLaDiN UD: i'll keep you guys in my prayers
Serac: ok, good
Serac: we really need them
Serac: dude....it's awesome
Serac: everynight, god gives us a place to stay
FF PaLaDiN UD: i would love to do something like that
Serac: it's scary sometimes...because it's getting dark and you don't know where your going to stay, then all of the sudden God provides
Serac: it's soo cool
FF PaLaDiN UD: i bet
FF PaLaDiN UD: tell daniel to pray for me too...he knows what i need prayer for
Serac: ok
Serac: i will
FF PaLaDiN UD: i love you guys
Serac: we love you too sheryl
FF PaLaDiN UD: have u guys shaved?
Serac: were in the library...i'm covered in grease from my chain...and smell awfull...i wouldn't be suprised if they kicked us out
Serac: no
FF PaLaDiN UD: haha
Serac: well...we shaved before we left
FF PaLaDiN UD: you should try to take some pictures somehow
Serac: yeah, we have a digital camera, but left the cord at home....so it is being mailed to my grandparents in Ky.
FF PaLaDiN UD: and put together a survival guide when u get back...im serious...i bet u two could write a great christian novel
Serac: and we have a disposable camera....and a 35 mm camera someone gave us, but it doesn't work
Serac: well...i've learned more in 5 days than a whole year at college
Serac: more important things too
FF PaLaDiN UD: w00000000000000000t
Serac: Like...I was about to quit earlier today....just a whole host of problems and despair....and this guy pulls up and offers us a ride to a bike shop
FF PaLaDiN UD: is ur bike not making it?
Serac: no, it's fine....i thought my bearings were getting tore up, but my crank arm was just loose....it was no big deal but it sounded bad
FF PaLaDiN UD: do u get a lot of fan mail?
Serac: some....not a whole bunch
Serac: like...usually 4 or 5 people respond when we send something out...but we've only sent out like....2 mails
FF PaLaDiN UD: what would you guys appreciate from us, besides our prayers?
Serac: i guess fan mail is cool...there isn't a whole lot else you can do....our route has been pretty on the fly so far
FF PaLaDiN UD: where could i send a letter to that you guys will hit next?
FF PaLaDiN UD: real main
FF PaLaDiN UD: mail*
Serac: um, maybe my grandparents in kentucky
FF PaLaDiN UD: do u have an address and a deadline?
FF PaLaDiN UD: i'll send you guys something
FF PaLaDiN UD: (u guys have bibles with you?)
Serac: yeah
Serac: we have bibles
FF PaLaDiN UD: do u know the address for ur grandparents and an estimate to how far you guys are?
FF PaLaDiN UD: (how far, measured in days)
Serac: yeah
Serac: um....Don & Bretta Aukerman
75 Mockingbird Lane
Grayson, KY 41143
FF PaLaDiN UD: k
Serac: should be there in 1 1/2 weeks - 2 weeks
FF PaLaDiN UD: ok
FF PaLaDiN UD: u guys are an inspiration
Serac: well...if you heard me earlier today....you might think otherwise...trust me, it's all God
FF PaLaDiN UD: well
FF PaLaDiN UD: "The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."
FF PaLaDiN UD: 1 peter 4:7-11
FF PaLaDiN UD: have u guys had any opportunities to serve anyone?
FF PaLaDiN UD: im sure God has provided plenty of people who have served you guys with much hospitality
Serac: not yet...i witnessed to a lady at a gas station thismorning
FF PaLaDiN UD: i'll pray that God gives you guys amazing opportunities
Serac: yeah, we were talking about that earlier....
Serac: ok, good, we need those
FF PaLaDiN UD: ok...i gtg...i have research and FUN stuff like that
FF PaLaDiN UD: i cant wait to hear from you again
Serac: ok, it was reall nice talking to you

//================================================================

FROM DANIEL

FF PaLaDiN UD: ;-)
danlins: hey sherol.

Auto response from FF PaLaDiN UD: but with that a side, i believe that the question i do not ask myself often enough is: am i loving this person? i dont think W.W.J.D.? cuts it anymore. we already know a great deal about what Jesus would do, it's more a question of whether we are doing it.

danlins: good to imagine your smile!

a novelty character

verses of the weekend

"It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love." pillipians 1:15-16a

"you really still consider yourself an outsider though? it seems that you are...involved...to a large extent with groups on campus, and thus, with people. as you say, you make a big impact."
FF PaLaDiN UD: i dont fit it anywhere...im just a novelty character
"a novelty character?"
FF PaLaDiN UD: yes
"by novelty, do you mean a character that is just there for extraneous purposes, and secondary interaction with the "primary" characters?"
FF PaLaDiN UD: Main Entry: nov·el·ty
Pronunciation: 'nä-v&l-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
Etymology: Middle English novelte, from Middle French noveleté, from novel
1 : something new or unusual
"you find yourself in the position of being the "unusual one"...hence why you feel that you don't really belong?"
FF PaLaDiN UD: im everything to everyone...always something different to someone else
FF PaLaDiN UD: very confusing
"so you essentially serve a different purpose to every person in a set of people or a group...therefore, you can't just be one set person, because everyone else knows you as something different?"
FF PaLaDiN UD: its life
"...true"
"i'm sure that every person in that group appreciates what you do for them though"
"which isn't any consolation, and i'm sure you knew that already"
FF PaLaDiN UD: my consolation is in "the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel." phil 1:12

FF PaLaDiN UD: i didnt get RF...b/c people didnt think i could cut it
FF PaLaDiN UD: but i got it anyway
FF PaLaDiN UD: and i know i made a difference for those freshmen
FF PaLaDiN UD: just like i know i did as an RA...despite what some others may have thought
FF PaLaDiN UD: i wish more people saw me for who i really am...and what i really do...but they dont
"do you tell them abbout u"
FF PaLaDiN UD: people make up their minds before i ever get that chance
FF PaLaDiN UD: eh, its not like i know how to explain it anyhow

Reagan = Dead

I believe that a president should die the same way he is born: hidden behind the facade that charmed his public. Presidential candidates (with the help of learned politicians) create for themselves a tasty image for their voters to indulge. In a perfect world, we would choose the leader of our nation based off of what he (or she) truly desires for our country, why he believes what he does, and how he plans to run this nation. Unfortunately, we vote on an image developed through research and money directed towards our fancy. Who cares how we remember Reagan after his death? It’s not like we really knew who he was while he was alive.

believe it or not

if you dont know enough about an issue, u shouldnt have a complete opinion about it; but if youve already made up your mind, you might as well voice it.

i just completed my first argument for the current events discussion forum. (im so tired of hearing about Reagan, although, i'm probably just bitter that the coverage has been replacing the simpsons of FOX. in one hour, im going to make choc chip pancakes for everyone (my specialty.)

i bet my roommate must think that i have the strangest sleep habits...lol

i guess i'll work my way backwards to the middle of the week...

a few hours ago i deposited my check and opened up a savings account. i was getting pretty aggravated by the teller (i figure, maybe it's that time of month.)

i met with my mentor (when i speak about my professor from now on, i am talking about professor bohacek from CPEG, who i worked with last summer, instead of professor hanley of phil.) that afternoon-- our weekly meeting time is now Fri. at 3. i feel tons better about the mentor thing. infact, he really liked my website enough to hire to me make his website.

what i have to do is to continue my investigation of the philosophers take on the metaphysics of Jazz. tomorrow (tomorrow is actually today) im hopefully going to have an awesome interaction with the director for the jazz fest and i can (through informal discussions) understand what other types of people consider to be Jazz. i'm not really sure how im going to organize all this information, but i am keeping the faith.

my mentor once told me that the artists rarely have a conceptual clue of their art. i guess i am begining to understand what he meant.

in terms of web design i want to set up a guestbook, but i dont know how PHP works. similarly, i wonder if it is feasible to download the code for a message board instead of subscribing to a service.

in the mcnair office to pick up my check was kevin and the other guy. i dont know the other guy's name, but i like him. (he reminds me of my friend H.T.) they said that i probably dont need to go to the html workshop, but who knows what will happen.

thursday late night, i went out with my friend parag to check out this funky alternative band (it made me ask the question of where this band crosses the line from jazz-funk to alternative-funk.) townhall was the band, a very versatile group with players that had mastery over a plethora of instruments.

a bit earlier, i went out with another friend, evan, to get indian food. i met him in pep band (we both play tenor sax) towards the end of last fall. evan is fascinating, your stereotypical renaissance man. he seems perfect, too perfect. but i am intrigued, regardless. i enjoy our intellectual exchanges.

early evening we got our SSI's back. the guy from career counciling told us to list what we would like to be our careers. with palm pilot in hand, i wrote my whole list down. i scored exactly how i thought i would score, which does'nt really help me with finding out what i really want to do in life.

im still adjusting to my new schedule, so my sleeping and eating are very unsteady. wednesday night we had icecream cake and really good spaghetti. i've decided to not eat until everyone else has gotten food for these meals. i told khadir that it was my take on the "many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first."

that night i feel that people began to understand better my anxieties about my group.

i worry about how much more i am going to be reading into the readings in comparison with my groupmates.

i dont speak out too much, b/c i am still assessing my surroundings and how each person functions in my group. i can say that i'm not really feeling much better about my circumstance, but i know that things will be ok, regardless.

i seem to not relate so well with my attitude, and they dont seem to be able to handle me as a group member, so i often feel brushed aside.

we are cooking this wednesday and even though we arent suppose to buy premade food. we are heating up premade lasagna b/c the majority of the group doesn't know how to cook, and doesnt really feel like trying. they seemed to complain a lot about the cost of things, but they dont realize that they arent merely paying to feed a large group of people, they are also paying for the 8 other free meals that we will be eating. one person even said that if they dont like what we prepare, then they dont have to eat it.

i dont like this attitude, probably b/c it is different from mine. i thought it would be fun to make dinner for everyone. i probably will do something extra next time around, i dont mind spending the extra money, and i do want people to enjoy their meal.

maria read my blog, i wonder what she thinks. but anyhow, coicidentally, we got a new black guy in our group. thats a definate plus. :)

thats it for now, im going to build houses today.

oh, and i got a response from Sam about being an RA in russell again. she said they are full, but then again, i dont really know what i want. im just tired of not fitting in anywhere, and not having a place to belong.

wounds of a friend

"If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not! If I rebuild what I destroyed, I prove that I am a lawbreaker. For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God." galatians 2:17-19

i struggle with the line that seperates bitterness and concern. i have overwhelming concern for people, but when does it begin to consume me? i believe that paul, although very bold in his statements, kept a strong peace of mind. far too often, i mistake my restlessness for passion.

Americans are Stupid

1 -- Find and read the following two articles:
i) "Ronald Reagan, An American Life: A Truly Exceptional American," by M. Barone, writer for USNews.com.
ii)"The Man, the Myths: Don't believe everything you hear about Ronald Reagan," by David Greenberg, writer for Slate Magazine.

2 -- Your assignment is to synthesize an argument using both articles. You argument should be between 125-150 words.

/**************************************************/

As I complete my day, I sit back and turn on my television, flipping through my favorite broadcasting stations, only to be assaulted by ongoing coverage of the recent Reagan passing. The Reagan term seems no more than a fading figment from my youth, and while I cannot wait to inherit the problems of our society, (as a college student in 2004,) the world seems to have made more sense to me back then than it does now.

Do I credit this to the circumstance of our nation’s economy or international standings? No, I credit it towards the fact that I didn’t care about those things back then and it was ok. My point being: that our nation, represented by political figures and media personalities, encourages the children of its future to perpetuate arguments over all of its concurrent issues. These generations are being raised to cling onto some vague notion of individuality, which live on some imaginary principle of freedom, whole-heartedly fighting for causes that they have no bearing over.

Do not mistake me as an advocate for ignorance; it is our duty as scholars to investigate truth. However, arguments over inane politics of the past only perpetuate the ongoing discordance of our future.

careers

1 peter 4:7-11

"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."

this is interesting b/c i just had my meeting with dr. p and i talked about where i'd want to be vocationally. the only two things i am for sure about are: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." and "Love your neighbor as yourself." (mark 12:30-31)

here are my current occupational ideas

chef
spy
videogame designer
author
motivational speaker
college professor
movie director
ethical hacker
missionary
artist
publicist
jazz cat
teacher
journalist
tv personalty
dj
radio
student affairs
interior designer
software engineer
restaurant owner
business

but with that a side, i believe that the question i do not ask myself often enough is: am i loving this person? i dont think W.W.J.D.? cuts it anymore. we already know a great deal about what Jesus would do, it's more a question of whether we are doing it.

im going to be setting up my webpage today, and ive written an email to speak with my prof H. (my phil mentor.)

there are too many things going on in my head right not, thats probably why i am so out of it.

iv or no iv

ive decided to talk about the bible study with the researchers tomorrow at dinner.

im thinking 1 john. i could prep with iv and then lead with the researchers. im not to confident leading though, we will see.

i brought my res and her sister to iv, it was cool. we got icecream afterwards. i drove back pretty out of it, but talked a lot about the over-complacency of iv.

sidetrack: commerecials always feature loser guys trying to hit on hot girls, never the other way around.

the bathroom in squire is a lot nicer than the one in sussex, so thats what nee cee and i have been using.

the library workshop today was informative, but boring. i recalled the windows 'net send' command and sent messages to the entire lab on getting nachos. mcnair scholars were not as enthusiased as the other researchers were from last summer about the nachos.

i think i will start bling bling up again asap.

tina betz got back to me on volunteering, im going to meet with her on saturday (pray that all goes well.)

tim kim instant messaged me just an hour ago and we talked about an asian fellowship this coming year, something else to pray about it.

I'm learning style sheets currently. hopefully, i will have a page up and running by the end of the week

i'm scared of my mentor, i need prayer for that too. (oh, and the RBS )

God is love

verse if the day:
"We love because he first loved us." 1 john 4:19

this reminds me of last fall, how hard it was to accept my circumstances. i remember in 1 john 4:18, it said," there is no fear in love." then where do my fears come from? if nothing prevented love, then what prevents us from loving? i still dont understand, but atleast now i know that everything is going to be ok. Thank you Jesus.

starting the bible study is a bit rough. i dont think i can do it by myself-- i'm just a promoter, not a leader. dr. p seemed fine with having one. im having my first one-one tomorrow. i think i'll feel better about things afterwards.

i guess i can talk a bit about the people ive met so far.

Laarni: was one of the first people who i got to talk to, shes a really sincere person. i enjoy talking to her. she seems very light-hearted, and always smiling (but in a Fo'ReaL way.)

Curtis: he lives accross the hall from me. i had lunch with him today, and disclosed some of my anxieties. he seems pretty Fo'ReaL as well

Tyesha: she is probably the person who i am most comfortable talking with (we had steel pan together way back.) im glad shes here; unfortunately, shes only staying for the week, then going to IC.

Khadir: we met in KY building houses over spring break. he's in my group, i guess you could say that we are the more laid back people there (and we are both computer majors.)

Dan: he's also one of the first people i met. he seems pretty chill. we are the only two doing humanities research. his topic is ADHD (something that i am fairly familiar with.)

Jung Ha: she is like the polar opposite from me, also in my group. i dont know if we will ever hit it off-- we come from drastically different worlds. shes presents herself well and is liked/accepted where ever she goes. things just seem so much easier for her, she easily fits into her surroundings.

Nee Cee: my roommate, i met her in gospel choir. She has got a beautiful voice and a very friendly/charismatic disposition. im still not use to having a roommate, but so far so good.

thats it so far. i really need to get some research done.

quick thing about my anxieties, i think it is easily described as on the episode of the simpsons where lisa is just down for no apparent reason. at the end of the show, she jams with bleeding gums murphy on her bari.

the leaning tower

yesterday...

yesterday i went to the dentist, then had to go straight to a workshop. it reminded me too much of RA training, and i dont think i fit in well with my group (i guess i will probably tough it out.) i have this overwhelming feeling that i'd be more comfortable with more males (or black people) in my group (not to be racist or sexist, i guess im referring to those steriotyped personality-types.) i also suspect that there is a reason (whether from the mcnair administration or God himself) that i am in this circumstance, so i am not going to fight it. (it makes me think of the SE group i 'cleverly' orchestrated last semester...) i think im going to surrender control, and stop being so self-centered. wish me luck.

we had to build the highest tower (which we did end up doing...i cant believe i didnt think of cutting off the bendy part of the straws.) i dont know what is wrong with me (maybe ive grown too accustomed to not fitting in, or maybe im just tired of not being around like-minded people.)

my team has an anbundance of forced enthusiasm, and that usually makes me feel very distant from the others only b/c i have trouble forcing anything. i thought of the base idea for our tower-- rolled up newspaper (although, i am not one to acquire credit. i figure since this blog is fairly private, i can atleast recount the things accurately.) credit was given to someone else. it did bother me somewhat, but i shrugged it off. (i need not forget my experience in my SE group-- a humbling experience long overdue.)

sometimes i am so outspoken, sometimes i am eerily silent. during the activity, i seemed a bit withdrawn. the people are begining to find much sarcasm in my language, even when i being serious (it will be something for me to callibrate, and for them to familiarize with.) ive done these team-builders again and again (i dont mind them, they can be fun,) but i am now starting to understand the intentions behind the activity. i tried to amplify these intentions, but people don't seem to see beyond the surface of things (its not about the highest tower.) this may prove to be an obstacle for me in our later discussions-- my level of depth and thought may end up frustrating/isolating me.

im currently caught in a dilema: i dont feel like trying to be social or fit in (im sure i naturally will be) -- i feel like i have to put more effort into appearing normal (and enthused) for everyone or people will begin to suspect there is something wrong.

i, on the other hand, am begining to suspect, that there is nothing wrong and this is just the way that i am.

im going to suggest some crazy ideas to my group. i wonder how they will take. this will give me some more insight on my group dynamic. ive just realized that i am quick to romanticize things, but just as quickly am i to discredit them. (hopeless romantic, who is easily discouraged)

i dont think i will feel comfortable until people start getting use to me (oh well, its only been a day.)

my friend lewis suggested that i stop using elipses in my writing (perhaps, i have subconciously followed his advice.)

after reading this post, i wonder how many people would say that i think too much. it gets annoying. thats like telling someone they read too much. i know, i know, maybe i should just live my life more and not think so much, but maybe u should think more and not live so thoughtlessly.

testing

testing testing
(i hope that theres a big space between the two testings)

comments can now be left by the nonmembers, which right now is only one person.

interesting sleeping habits

its 5 in the morning and i just woke up. (i hate how blogger deletes the extra spaces, im going to try and correct this nuissance.)

first morning (afternoon)

so i did the permit thing this morning.

i realized my running computer is noticeably humming, so i opened it up to look inside. a summer ago my professor had me build the server for the lab, which i now realize was a very valuable experience. it was my 20 GB western digital hard drive (same company we had trouble with last summer.)

the verse of the day (morning) is:
"It is written, 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God'" -Mattew 4:4

the reading was from matt 4:1-11. observation: satan uses scripture to decieve people, he attacks on 3 fronts: lust of flesh, lust of the eye, and pride of life (also in Gen 3:1-6).

i wonder when summer IV is...

first night

>>i feel a great deal of anxiety right now; most likely because my life is
>>hopelessly directionless. (i wasn't joking when i said that id be a
>>handful)

>>but i guess more immediately with this upcoming summer, i love my project,
>>but im worried about the mentor thing. i really dont like imposing on
>>people, so im not sure if he really wants to work with me, or he's just
>>been busy. i also dont like not knowing, sometimes people just dont like
>>me, and i never can figure out why (maybe they just dont understand.)

>>so, i should probably be one of your first 1:1's with ample time blocked
>>out, b/c i dont know what is going on with me at all.

>>i have a very adventurous and ambitious (sometimes relentless) spirit, but
>>what seems to be no hope for any sort of direction. i can pretty much do
>>anything (maybe i should just pick something.)

>>what should i do about the mentor thing?

...an email that i wrote dr. p on the anxieties i have about the summer. man, it's been quite a year.

so, i was suppose to go on some christian retreat, but i was too tired (which ended up becoming an illness for a day or so.) according to my timeline:

Week 1 – Set up well organized website for investigation, identify Jazz subgenres, outline the timeline for the evolution of Jazz, identify defining stereotypes of Jazz, understand the basic concepts in musical aesthetics.

...i figure a daily journal seemed fitting (lol, we will see how long this lasts.)

nee cee is my roommate, that will be interesting (especially since i havent had a roommate for 2 years.) jung ha and i seem to cross paths again and again, and inspite of the years that have gone by, its still a little weird. im so different than i was when she and i were best friends freshman year of hs; im sure she is as well. oh well, im not one to force things, i will just go with the flow and keep things Fo'ReaL. im sure God's got something instore for me.

the bible verse of the day is...

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

i am Fo'ReaL going to read my bible everyday, im doing the "out daily bread" thing. i know it's not much (but its better than nothing.) i have to catch up on the past 6 days (booo.)

we are going to schedule our bible study tomorrow after whatever workshop we are suppose to go to. wish me luck!

move in was today (i really mean yesterday,) and i showed up late to the meeting ($50 freakin dollars for the first late we have.) cindy came with me to check out where im going to be living this summer, she talked to jung ha for a bit. i felt weird a light headed the whole time (very out of it)-- its going to take these people a few weeks to get use to me (cest la vie.)

i did a nice job setting up my space. i was about to go to bed, but i ended up having an idea attack, which ended being an exploration around sussex and squire (it is really cold in here.) this is a very creepy dorm, so many corridors and alcoves. i came back at like 1 am and was like, "i don't remember propping the chair against the door, then i realized that nee cee was probably moving in (wow, she has A LOT of stuff.) it is 4 am, and she is still moving in.

i cant wait to hook up with the people who are around this summer. i'm still unsure of this whole on my own research thing. i emailed tina betz, director of cultural affairs in the city of wilmington (i hope i didnt wait too long) to volunteer for the CFBF.
www.clifforbrownjazzfest.com

im probably going to sleep in today.

tomorrow:
get the things that i forgot to bring
learn style sheets for my website
call tina
parking permit
meet with dr. p